• Madelon Blaauwbroek

Mental health | personal update

hii, I hope you are doing okay(ish)! If you follow me on Instagram you probably already

heard that there happend some really sad stuff. The last time I wrote a blog post I said my grandmother had Covid. Covid wise she was doing kind of okay but February 7th she got a cerebral infarction and she died the same day. People dying is one of my biggest fears and the same day another biggest fear came out I am not going into details about that because of privacy. But I have never felt so broken I really don’t know how to come trough all this. Before all the stuff happend I ordered henna to color my hair red and I registered on a few schools. I wanted to quit all the intakes but I know that wasn’t what my grandmother wished for me so I have my first intake today. I am so so so scared but I want to make my grandmother proud so I am going to do this. I am going to explain some things about the school stuff. I am not ready to go to school at the moment there has to change a LOT. But 6 months ago I would have laughed at you if you said I am traveling with the public transpor. So I had some contacts with schools and they said just enroll and you can alsways deregister. It is my dream to go to art school since I was very young. I haven’t finished my “havo” so I can’t go to the HBO but I can do an creative MBO education. There has to change a lot before I can go to school again after years of not going to a normal school. But behavior wise I came so far with only 1-2 hours of therapy in a week so I have started mbt therapy and I really hope I am going to make steps. So many steps that I can go to school in +/- 6 months. I also really hope I will feel al little bit better soon because I don’t now how to continue but I am going to fight because ‘dreams don’t start until you do’. It feels really weird to being occupied with going to onine intakes from schools when I haven’t even processed the fact I am never going to see my grandma again. But I know my grandma also wants to see me moving forward. It is so damn hard and I don’t know if I can every really process this but I really hope I will forgive myself. forgive myself for all the things I didn’t say, for all the things I didn’t do Etc. And there is more going on first my mother had Covid but Tuesday my sister got tested positive so that means I can’t even go to the funeral. I can follow it online but it still makes me really mad and scared and so damn sad. Why do all these things happen within a week. It is just really hard. My grandmother was the only one in the family who didn’t judge I am going to miss her so much. She was 92 so she got very old and she had a beautiful life. Lots of love, Madelon

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